Sunday January 13, 2008 - Sermon “Getting the Church You Want”
© Rev. Roberta Finkelstein

“Because we are in touch with the miracle of our own being, we are free to experience the beauty and complexity of the world. The universe has meaning and purpose and we experience ourselves as part of a larger whole.” Words written by Harville Hendrix, a relationship therapist with a strong theological background, from a book called Getting the Love You Want. 
Hendrix's  thesis is that relationships get into trouble because they are driven by unconscious needs that  arise out of the hurts and fears of childhood. Not the traumatic experiences, necessarily, but the reality of being an imperfect being nurtured by imperfect beings.  Hendrix says, "Even if you were fortunate enough to grow up in a safe, nurturing environment, you still bear invisible scars from childhood, because from the very moment you were born you were a complex, dependent creature with a never-ending cycle of needs.  Freud correctly labeled us 'insatiable beings'." 

Insatiable beings eventually grow up and enters into adult relationships. At that point, when we think we are acting like mature adults, the old and least mature part of our brain takes control. Hendrix divides the brain, conceptually, into two parts. The first is the cerebral cortex – the new brain. This is the seat of  reason, the part that thinks, questions, analyzes and probes. The other is the brain stem – the old brain. This is the primitive, instinctual, self preserving piece.  The old brain asks one primeval question when it encounters new situations.  "Is it safe?"  Our old brain measures all things by the yard-stick learned in childhood, and thus compels us toward the familiar, toward what resonates with childhood memories and feels like our earliest care-takers. Hendrix says that we seek out those who look like, sound like and act like the people who made holes in our hearts in the first place - our parents.  We keep looking for them so we can get them to fill in those holes once and for all.

A few months ago Sandra gave a sermon in which she talked about letting go of blame. To be healthy, she reminded us, is to give up the need to blame anybody, especially our parents, for our unhappiness. Hendrix similarly is not suggesting that we blame our parents for our difficult relationships. What he says is that if we can be aware of those holes in our hearts – holes that are an inevitable part of living -  and learn to fill them in intentional fashion, we can be more whole - and leave our mothers and fathers free to do the same.

By choosing our life partners based on the just-outside-of-consciousness prompting of the old brain, we often  - much to our dismay - end up with very different relationships than we had anticipated. This is the unconscious relationship - a relationship fraught with hidden mine fields, incomprehensible fights, unexpected disappointments.  The alternative, which takes hard work and a willingness to dig through the old brain matter, is the conscious relationship. A conscious relationship is not easy, it is not a perpetual honeymoon. It is a satisfying, fair relationship that meets the needs of both the old and the new brain. Everyone in a conscious relationship is safe, healed of  woundedness, and free to grow toward wholeness.
There are ten characteristics of the conscious relationship. I have taken these ten characteristics and broadened their applicability because I believe that we bring our old brain to all significant relationships, including our relationship to our faith community. We come to church looking for certain things: stimulation, comfort, nurture, challenge, opportunities, relationships. We also bring baggage from our religious history. Let’s look at the characteristics of the conscious relationship in terms of both our intimate personal relationships and in the context of being part of this communal relationship called South Church.

Characteristic #1 The realization that relationships have a hidden purpose which is the healing of childhood wounds. This recognition allows us to get past issues we are tired of fighting about or complaining about. Beneath the shallow dissatisfactions are deeper needs calling for our attention, and it is unreasonable- no, impossible - for any one person or any one institution to meet all of those unnamed needs.

Characteristic #2 The creation of a more accurate image of our partners.  In the beginning of any relationship we see through the stars in our eyes. Then comes that first disappointment. This may bring anger so intense that we see only the negative. The terrible mistake is to stop there, go away mad, break a bond, leave a church. A healthy response is to begin to see your partners not as saviors, but as similarly  wounded, imperfect human beings struggling just like you. 
When you first found Unitarian Universalism, you may have experienced a kind of euphoria. "I have finally found the perfect church!"  Then you discovered that no church, even UU, is perfect. Not the minister, not the leadership, not the membership. How disappointing that can be!  But those of you with the maturity and tenacity to stay and make it work, to become committed members, have come to understand in a profound way what it means to be involved in a give and take relationship, to forgive, to give ground.

Last year I had the privilege of working with organizational development consultant U.T. Saunders. With U.T. we reminded ourselves that in our free faith we create our communities by entering into a voluntary covenant. What he said, that surprised me at first, is that a covenant only becomes compellingly binding once it has been broken. Out of the brokenness a new covenant, a real and meaningful covenant, emerges. If we never let each other down, if we never disappointed each other, the ties that bind us together would have no strength.

Characteristic #3 Taking responsibility for communicating your needs and desires. As children we engaged in a kind of magical thinking; believing that other people already knew what we wanted and needed. Or should know. Haven’t you ever thought, “If I have to ask for something, it doesn’t count when I get it. If you really cared, I wouldn’t have to ask for help.” In that magical world we would never have to hear "NO." As adults we need to get over that particular brand of magical thinking. Furthermore, we need to learn that once we ask for what we need, the answer may still be "NO".  That is why in a democratically run organization such as ours, we promise that your voice will always be heard, but you may not always get your way.

Characteristic #4  Interactions become intentional, thinking becomes constructive rather than reactive. In other words, your new brain runs the show. In a previous congregation, there was a member who shared that she  had a visceral negative reaction to hearing the chime call us to worship. It reminded her too much of the bells in the Catholic mass. Her first instinct was to ask that we stop using the chime. But she came to realize that by letting her new brain guide her through the service, she could be present to worship in the present. She knew where she was; she was in a new and safe place. Are there things about South Church that you react to with your old brain? Could you, perhaps, give your cerebral cortex a chance?

Characteristic #5 Learning to value the needs and wants of others as highly as your own. In a community as diverse as ours, this ability to honor and value the needs of others is essential. It is a conscious affirmation of the common good over personal preferences.

Characteristic #6 Recognizing our own faults and weaknesses.  We may not be able to ‘fix’ all our faults, but if we are aware of them – if we own them – then we can avoid projecting them onto other people. In my conversations with the Committee on Ministry, we are always trying to figure out how to manage the reality that I cannot be good at all the things the ministry requires. We ask ourselves, “How can we work together to fill the gaps? How can we structure my work so that I work from my strengths and others with other strengths share the ministry with me in an intentional way?”

Characteristic #7 Learning new techniques to satisfy our needs and desires. Often our old brain method of dealing with unmet needs is to flee -either out the door or down memory lane.  In a growing and changing community, as in a growing relationship, we often find ourselves longing for the mythical good old days; the Golden Age when, your old brain tells you, everything was so much better than it is now. If it can't be that way anymore, then it just won't be my church anymore. I know some of you have felt that way, and I sympathize.
But I also want to encourage you to realize that we can never turn back the clock, and if we could slip through some magical wrinkle in the space/time continuum, we would be surprised and disappointed to discover that the good old days never were that good. Just different. So instead of longing for what may never have been . . .

Characteristic #8  Search within yourself for the strengths and abilities you believe are missing in your relationships. What you perceive to be missing in the people around you may reside within you. In a conscious relationship you have to reach deep inside and figure out find those things for yourself. When you are able to do that, something mystical happens. You become an embodiment of . . .

Characteristic #9 Becoming aware of the drive to be loving and whole and united with the universe. It sounds idealistic, I know. It will not be like this all the time. But believing in a basic and innate drive towards goodness is the core of Unitarian Universalism. It is what we are talking about when we speak of the inherent worth and dignity of every person.  Given the right circumstances, the chance to become conscious, all of us will move toward that positive pole. That is a statement of faith, my friends, whether we make it about ourselves, our partners, our fellow church members, or the stranger walking down the street.  It is a hard faith statement to live at times, which leads us to  . . .

Characteristic #10 Accepting the difficulty of creating a good marriage, a good relationship, a good church, a good life. It is not easy.  Relationships are not made in heaven. Hendrix says that although he lists this one last, he always works on it first with couples. Everybody involved has to be willing to do the work, the digging, the feeling, the expressing, the nurturance and maintenance work over the long haul, in order for the relationship to work.

For the last year and a half we at South Church have been working on new ways of being together. Most basically and obviously, there is the new relationship between me, your minister, and the congregation. But other relationships are also being transformed. Your board has been very intentional about being transparent, more inclusive of the staff and membership in the decision making process. The newly formed Membership Task Force is asking all of us to think about the way we are together – to think about radical ways to be inclusive and hospitable and caring. The Strategic Planning Committee is asking all of you to help them articulate a new way for us to be present – to each other and to the larger community.

Our journey of shared ministry continues. Ministries, like marriages, are not made in heaven. They are made right here on earth by our intention. In just a moment we will move from worship to fellowship as we gather in meeting to determine the budget for the coming year. Knowing that money is one of the primary sources of conflict in troubled relationships, let us agree to put our new brains in charge. And let us remember we walk together in a universe full of meaning and purpose. We find our own personal meaning and purpose when we know ourselves, truly and profoundly, to be part of that larger whole.